I have had such a complicated relationship with gratitude and grief. So many of my clients have been handed a gratitude journal or told they should have one. A practice as a cure? It sideswipes grief. I won't dare try to write words more beautiful and aching than you have here. Thank you for this. And the poem. I have much to be grateful for too--and 31 years after the death of my beloved mother Ellen, I have found a way to make meaning in my loss and of my loss. It is why I do my work. Gratitude and grief remain rather elusive.
This is so lovely. It’s powerful to think of gratitude being weaponized. And we so often think we have to just feel one thing, instead of holding all the grief and rage and thanksgiving together. Thanks for this.
Thank you for making the connection between grief and this Mary Oliver poem that has been a guiding light for me for years. You’ve helped peel off another layer, as I figure out why it resonates somewhere deep, where my/our best impulses live.
This is so true. The abuse of gratitude you suffered was horrific and that line between being grateful and being expected to take no space, have no needs, desire no tenderness is so fine and so well illustrated. Thank you.
I felt that too…how awful to lose your dad and be treated like that. I’m really stuck on why someone would behave that way. I also am going to let this sit and see if there are small ways and places where my script returns to shame instead of offering grace. I want to learn more about why we do that.
For a while, a short while, I attended a women's online AA daily meeting. One of the unwritten rules was making a daily gratitude list. Some women shared theirs at the end of each evening. The lists were, for the most part, identical to the day before and the day before that. I started wondering about the purpose. I got the sense that a gratitude list was the groups foray into toxic wellness culture. There were other signs present, but this one felt obvious. I no longer attend. But later with the burden of catastrophic illness I returned to the idea. A sort of "Count your blessings" thing. You know, "Clean your plate. People in Africa are starving," mindset. That didn't sit quite right either although I kept trying until last week when my psychiatrist looked at me almost deadly and said, "It's okay to be pissed off." Someone was telling me that I didn't have to look for the gold among the muck. I am in muck and it's dark and heavy and wet and it smells bad and I'd do most anything not to be here. Hence, I relinquished the need to be grateful. Some moments it comes organically. Most not. And I'm okay with the reality of that.
Finding daily thoughts of gratitude is very difficult when we're undergoing some upheaval in life. It's easy to be swamped by all the doubts, the fears, the what-ifs, and the unknowns. But taking a moment out of your day to just stop and be thankful for something, even if it is just the fact that you woke to the song of birds this morning, somehow makes life's difficult burdens a little easier to bear.
Elissa, I LOVED your line from the Hazelden people - gratitude is a shift in focus away from what one lacks. It's so easy to focus on what we don't have or what we wish we had, and that list just never gets any shorter as the years go on.
Instead, being truly thankful for the simple things, praying for better things, and finding the joy in friends and nature.
Sometimes it's easier said than done, but we're all works in progress, right?
Thank you for this post. It comes at a poignant time for me to encourage my own search for true gratitude, and also to recognise when gratitude shaming is being thrust upon me.
Thank you for this. I have always struggled with gratitude and never really understood why and felt like a terrible human being for being so 'ungrateful'. Mindfuck does that to you.
"gratitude in the hands of emotional terrorists can be weaponized"
yes, 100%. Until the last few years - actually I changed after my father died for similar reasons - I was always overly grateful. And it's like people fed off of my gratitude, got emotionally high from seeing me belittle myself.
I also felt shamed by my family for my overly emotional grief at my father's passing. I didn't understand how they could act so normal, sleep so well, when I could barely stand up at his funeral. I didn't know how to shut off that suffering.
But now I realize, it's a strength to be able to feel overwhelming feelings and not shut them off. My grief wasn't a sign of weakness like they were suggesting. I am able to hold great pain and still hold myself up.
WOW!!! I have never responded to a post, but your words echo an unspoken world of hurt. Thank you.
Yes!! I feel gratitude all the time but I hate and resent having it imposed on me.
YES. I absolutely get this: the imposition feels toxic, and sticky.
Thank you for posting this amazing commentary. It speaks so strongly to me.
I have had such a complicated relationship with gratitude and grief. So many of my clients have been handed a gratitude journal or told they should have one. A practice as a cure? It sideswipes grief. I won't dare try to write words more beautiful and aching than you have here. Thank you for this. And the poem. I have much to be grateful for too--and 31 years after the death of my beloved mother Ellen, I have found a way to make meaning in my loss and of my loss. It is why I do my work. Gratitude and grief remain rather elusive.
This is so powerful and important. Thank you, Elissa.
This is so lovely. It’s powerful to think of gratitude being weaponized. And we so often think we have to just feel one thing, instead of holding all the grief and rage and thanksgiving together. Thanks for this.
Thank you for making the connection between grief and this Mary Oliver poem that has been a guiding light for me for years. You’ve helped peel off another layer, as I figure out why it resonates somewhere deep, where my/our best impulses live.
This is so true. The abuse of gratitude you suffered was horrific and that line between being grateful and being expected to take no space, have no needs, desire no tenderness is so fine and so well illustrated. Thank you.
I felt that too…how awful to lose your dad and be treated like that. I’m really stuck on why someone would behave that way. I also am going to let this sit and see if there are small ways and places where my script returns to shame instead of offering grace. I want to learn more about why we do that.
My gratitude for the human-ness of you, and your great gift with words. ♥
A beautiful write. It’s like you did a meditation for me…recognizing the thoughts that pour in when the mind is striving to be empty.
For a while, a short while, I attended a women's online AA daily meeting. One of the unwritten rules was making a daily gratitude list. Some women shared theirs at the end of each evening. The lists were, for the most part, identical to the day before and the day before that. I started wondering about the purpose. I got the sense that a gratitude list was the groups foray into toxic wellness culture. There were other signs present, but this one felt obvious. I no longer attend. But later with the burden of catastrophic illness I returned to the idea. A sort of "Count your blessings" thing. You know, "Clean your plate. People in Africa are starving," mindset. That didn't sit quite right either although I kept trying until last week when my psychiatrist looked at me almost deadly and said, "It's okay to be pissed off." Someone was telling me that I didn't have to look for the gold among the muck. I am in muck and it's dark and heavy and wet and it smells bad and I'd do most anything not to be here. Hence, I relinquished the need to be grateful. Some moments it comes organically. Most not. And I'm okay with the reality of that.
Finding daily thoughts of gratitude is very difficult when we're undergoing some upheaval in life. It's easy to be swamped by all the doubts, the fears, the what-ifs, and the unknowns. But taking a moment out of your day to just stop and be thankful for something, even if it is just the fact that you woke to the song of birds this morning, somehow makes life's difficult burdens a little easier to bear.
Elissa, I LOVED your line from the Hazelden people - gratitude is a shift in focus away from what one lacks. It's so easy to focus on what we don't have or what we wish we had, and that list just never gets any shorter as the years go on.
Instead, being truly thankful for the simple things, praying for better things, and finding the joy in friends and nature.
Sometimes it's easier said than done, but we're all works in progress, right?
Thank you for this post. It comes at a poignant time for me to encourage my own search for true gratitude, and also to recognise when gratitude shaming is being thrust upon me.
I love your post/commentary. I understand . Your words never disappoint. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I have always struggled with gratitude and never really understood why and felt like a terrible human being for being so 'ungrateful'. Mindfuck does that to you.
"gratitude in the hands of emotional terrorists can be weaponized"
yes, 100%. Until the last few years - actually I changed after my father died for similar reasons - I was always overly grateful. And it's like people fed off of my gratitude, got emotionally high from seeing me belittle myself.
I also felt shamed by my family for my overly emotional grief at my father's passing. I didn't understand how they could act so normal, sleep so well, when I could barely stand up at his funeral. I didn't know how to shut off that suffering.
But now I realize, it's a strength to be able to feel overwhelming feelings and not shut them off. My grief wasn't a sign of weakness like they were suggesting. I am able to hold great pain and still hold myself up.
Thank you for your vulnerable post.
Gratitude used as a club of submission. Humans are awful.