Seen, and I think, appreciated. Some of us are afraid to receive, because we anticipate getting something that shows the giver really doesn't care for us much, in the sense of giving some real thought to what might truly please us. We are left with the unhappy thought, why did you even bother?, together with the social obligation to lie about our gratitude.
I am also not a good gift receiver for a few reasons. One, I am very practical and am fortunate to be able to buy what I think I still need or want. I own enough stuff, so no help is needed in that department. I also am very sentimental, so even if I don't really care for a gift, I will likely still keep it. It may become yard art but I feel badly not to hold on to it...at least for a time. Lastly, I have never had big earnings so I equate gifts with $. Even when I was young, I would say to myself..is this purchase worth the x amount of hours I would need to sacrifice in order to buy it? I still think this way. So when friends spend money on me, I feel badly that they had to work (punch a clock) in order for me to have the gift. I"d rather they would just spend the time with me. At my age the only real gifts are home made and mostly consumable. When my sone was young I had him write me a poem for my Christmas gift, and now I have a lovely collection of his writings. Less has certainly become more.
My husband and I have been together for 34 years. The first time he got me a birthday gift he really (to my mind) shit the bed, and he's never gotten over it. It was my 31st birthday and I was lying in the bathtub when he came home. "Open your hand", he said. I put out my hand and he slapped a small card into it. "What's this?" I asked as I peered at the card. "It's a month-long membership to the Rec Centre across the street. You said you wanted to get in shape". LOLOLOLOLOLOL
TO THIS DAY he comments on how he's bad at choosing gifts for me, even though he's gotten me plenty of amazing gifts over the years and I've certainly given him tons of stinkers. On the occasion of my 60th birthday, he had a magnolia tree planted in the back yard for me in secret. That one was the best I think.
Regarding giving, lately I've been pondering this quote by Anaïs Nin:
"I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise."
I believe there is a magnanimity that originates in generosity and gratitude and one that originates in shame. I am fascinated by actions (or inactions) that appear to be the same but have vastly different motives.
My parents hosted a Chanukah party throughout the 1950s and early 60s for the extended family and anyone else who wanted to show up. The rules: everyone under 18 got a playful enjoyable gift, not useful or valuable, and there was always plenty of brisket and my grandma’s latkes. The only problem was an aunt who was apparently sure that this book-loving girl really wanted a purse. Umm, nope. Every damn year, another purse. Plus she gave me a wallet every year on my birthday. I asked my mother to tell her that the only gifts I really wanted were books, but my mother (who described that particular aunt’s hair as prematurely orange) said she couldn’t imagine that I’d enjoy any book that woman would pick out. I had to admit my mother was right. We gave quite a few purses and wallets to Goodwill over the years, and after each donation my mom took me to pick out a book that I really wanted. In hindsight I have to say that was a brilliant solution!
I have a bracelet that a dear friend gave me when I was 14 one Christmas that reminds me of your reindeer. I think many of my most precious things are gifts -- books, cups and mugs and coffee bowls (which I love), jewellery (not expensive, but thoughtful)... that take me back to important moments with those people.
The Hollyridge Strings cut made me laugh and laugh... in my house the kitchen radio was set to WPAT -- "beautiful music" -- for most of my childhood, which always induced a faint nausea in me.
It is such a fraught thing. It can cause problems in relationships when expectations are different. For example, my husband was rarely given presents, just had a wad of cash thrust at him. Whereas in my family present giving was EVERYTHING. So much thought went into everything along with the need to over explain. Of course this also gave rise to weaponising gift giving as it was a way of expressing how you feel about someone at any given time. I have a particular memory of this which I can’t share but it is really horrible and even now I can picture the expression on the person’s face when they watched me open the present. And it has left me with a tendency to over think many of the gifts I give to the point of anxiety and indecision.
Over the years my partner and I have met in the middle as I have let go of my need for meaningful presents (stupid I know, but so deeply instilled in me) so when he sometimes surprises me with something really thoughtful, I am beyond delighted to the point of crying. And he has come to love receiving, to the point he even wants a Christmas stocking. But we had a few upsets along the way!
Elissa, I burst out laughing when I read "the following year, she gave me the matching brooch."
No question there are land mines aplenty when giving and receiving. One of my friends admonishes, "There is no substitute for cash." Perhaps true, but so sterile, and where is the caring thought that is integral to the process. Granted, it can be a hit and miss proposition, but it all seems worthwhile when the gift feels exactly right. And thank you for the gift of your thoughts and experiences. Happy holidays to you and Susan
My first friend at a new high school (and also one of my best friends to this day) decided we would exchange gifts that first Christmas we knew each other. I opened her gift to me and started laughing because it was exactly what I had chosen for her: a collar pin from The Villager store in our Midwest town. Thank you for reminding me of this sweet memory.
There is so much to relish and discuss here and yet mostly I cannot get past the grotesquely ill-advised gift of math workbooks! It's like a chore and a gift in one. No bueno.
This will probably only make sense to UK readers - aged 13, my best friend asked her mum and dad for PJ and Duncan's (aka Ant and Dec) new album 'Psych.' On Christmas morning she received a bike! Probably a much better gift but very funny!
Oh, this conjures so many thoughts and feelings, first and foremost the year my father gave me an 8-track tape. Of a band I'd never heard of. And I didn't have an 8-track player. I presume he was in some store, there was a bin of 8-tracks they were trying to move (cassettes had arrived), and he figured, "Eh, it'll be something to open." That was his rationale about gifts: They were something to open. Never mind if they said *nothing about the recipient. He never understood that they were insults, not gifts.
On the flip side, my mom was *thrilled with vintage hankies (procuring them is the gift; they're inexpensive but difficult to find) and a recipe for mushroom soup with a note that a quart was waiting for her in the fridge.
We all have more than we need, so it's down to consumables and experiences (or very practical things like hankies) for us.
Reading this makes me think that what we really want is to be seen.
Seen, and I think, appreciated. Some of us are afraid to receive, because we anticipate getting something that shows the giver really doesn't care for us much, in the sense of giving some real thought to what might truly please us. We are left with the unhappy thought, why did you even bother?, together with the social obligation to lie about our gratitude.
Yes. Absolutely.
I was coming here to write the exact same comment. Being seen really is the greatest gift. xo
I am also not a good gift receiver for a few reasons. One, I am very practical and am fortunate to be able to buy what I think I still need or want. I own enough stuff, so no help is needed in that department. I also am very sentimental, so even if I don't really care for a gift, I will likely still keep it. It may become yard art but I feel badly not to hold on to it...at least for a time. Lastly, I have never had big earnings so I equate gifts with $. Even when I was young, I would say to myself..is this purchase worth the x amount of hours I would need to sacrifice in order to buy it? I still think this way. So when friends spend money on me, I feel badly that they had to work (punch a clock) in order for me to have the gift. I"d rather they would just spend the time with me. At my age the only real gifts are home made and mostly consumable. When my sone was young I had him write me a poem for my Christmas gift, and now I have a lovely collection of his writings. Less has certainly become more.
My husband and I have been together for 34 years. The first time he got me a birthday gift he really (to my mind) shit the bed, and he's never gotten over it. It was my 31st birthday and I was lying in the bathtub when he came home. "Open your hand", he said. I put out my hand and he slapped a small card into it. "What's this?" I asked as I peered at the card. "It's a month-long membership to the Rec Centre across the street. You said you wanted to get in shape". LOLOLOLOLOLOL
TO THIS DAY he comments on how he's bad at choosing gifts for me, even though he's gotten me plenty of amazing gifts over the years and I've certainly given him tons of stinkers. On the occasion of my 60th birthday, he had a magnolia tree planted in the back yard for me in secret. That one was the best I think.
Regarding giving, lately I've been pondering this quote by Anaïs Nin:
"I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise."
I believe there is a magnanimity that originates in generosity and gratitude and one that originates in shame. I am fascinated by actions (or inactions) that appear to be the same but have vastly different motives.
My parents hosted a Chanukah party throughout the 1950s and early 60s for the extended family and anyone else who wanted to show up. The rules: everyone under 18 got a playful enjoyable gift, not useful or valuable, and there was always plenty of brisket and my grandma’s latkes. The only problem was an aunt who was apparently sure that this book-loving girl really wanted a purse. Umm, nope. Every damn year, another purse. Plus she gave me a wallet every year on my birthday. I asked my mother to tell her that the only gifts I really wanted were books, but my mother (who described that particular aunt’s hair as prematurely orange) said she couldn’t imagine that I’d enjoy any book that woman would pick out. I had to admit my mother was right. We gave quite a few purses and wallets to Goodwill over the years, and after each donation my mom took me to pick out a book that I really wanted. In hindsight I have to say that was a brilliant solution!
I have a bracelet that a dear friend gave me when I was 14 one Christmas that reminds me of your reindeer. I think many of my most precious things are gifts -- books, cups and mugs and coffee bowls (which I love), jewellery (not expensive, but thoughtful)... that take me back to important moments with those people.
The Hollyridge Strings cut made me laugh and laugh... in my house the kitchen radio was set to WPAT -- "beautiful music" -- for most of my childhood, which always induced a faint nausea in me.
Well this stirred up some thoughts!
It is such a fraught thing. It can cause problems in relationships when expectations are different. For example, my husband was rarely given presents, just had a wad of cash thrust at him. Whereas in my family present giving was EVERYTHING. So much thought went into everything along with the need to over explain. Of course this also gave rise to weaponising gift giving as it was a way of expressing how you feel about someone at any given time. I have a particular memory of this which I can’t share but it is really horrible and even now I can picture the expression on the person’s face when they watched me open the present. And it has left me with a tendency to over think many of the gifts I give to the point of anxiety and indecision.
Over the years my partner and I have met in the middle as I have let go of my need for meaningful presents (stupid I know, but so deeply instilled in me) so when he sometimes surprises me with something really thoughtful, I am beyond delighted to the point of crying. And he has come to love receiving, to the point he even wants a Christmas stocking. But we had a few upsets along the way!
Elissa, I burst out laughing when I read "the following year, she gave me the matching brooch."
No question there are land mines aplenty when giving and receiving. One of my friends admonishes, "There is no substitute for cash." Perhaps true, but so sterile, and where is the caring thought that is integral to the process. Granted, it can be a hit and miss proposition, but it all seems worthwhile when the gift feels exactly right. And thank you for the gift of your thoughts and experiences. Happy holidays to you and Susan
My first friend at a new high school (and also one of my best friends to this day) decided we would exchange gifts that first Christmas we knew each other. I opened her gift to me and started laughing because it was exactly what I had chosen for her: a collar pin from The Villager store in our Midwest town. Thank you for reminding me of this sweet memory.
Oh so relate. But that ez bake oven! I can still smell
Those powdery cake mixes…
It must've been all but impossible to respond positively to NO Beach Boys! It's so complicated - why its so much harder to be a recipient than a giver
There is so much to relish and discuss here and yet mostly I cannot get past the grotesquely ill-advised gift of math workbooks! It's like a chore and a gift in one. No bueno.
This will probably only make sense to UK readers - aged 13, my best friend asked her mum and dad for PJ and Duncan's (aka Ant and Dec) new album 'Psych.' On Christmas morning she received a bike! Probably a much better gift but very funny!
I love to give but do not receive well! I don't expect that to change in my eighth decade!
Oh, this conjures so many thoughts and feelings, first and foremost the year my father gave me an 8-track tape. Of a band I'd never heard of. And I didn't have an 8-track player. I presume he was in some store, there was a bin of 8-tracks they were trying to move (cassettes had arrived), and he figured, "Eh, it'll be something to open." That was his rationale about gifts: They were something to open. Never mind if they said *nothing about the recipient. He never understood that they were insults, not gifts.
On the flip side, my mom was *thrilled with vintage hankies (procuring them is the gift; they're inexpensive but difficult to find) and a recipe for mushroom soup with a note that a quart was waiting for her in the fridge.
We all have more than we need, so it's down to consumables and experiences (or very practical things like hankies) for us.