I grew up with a narcissistic, alcoholic, philandering, handsome artist grandfather and an angry, vengeful narcissistic mother. I think the mistake is trying to make it right. The mistake is trying to make them happy and talk sense to them. The best thing that ever happened to me was when mine tried to cross a boundary and I realized that I would happily die on the hill to battle them back and I threw down the "this far, no further" sword. It has consequences. But we can't play their game and win.
What a gorgeous statement and you are living and loving it into being: "I will continue to look for beauty as an antidote to spiritual and physical destruction." Thank you!
I've been working on my memoir about my narcissistic dad for some years now and noticed an unintentional theme of trees that presented itself throughout. I knew I'd always loved trees but never noticed what a saving grace they were for me all this time. I loved your message that we instinctually turn to beauty. It's just so true.
You can laugh or cry, that is the truth. I prefer to think the parents are an endless source of material. As we all are full of oddities and strange ways. I realize your mother has special demons that she has to handle and unfortunately pass on to you. Wear your shield of light and laughter to help get through all the absurdities and cruelty. We hear you.
As the unmothered daughter of an unmothered daughter, both of them with a florid garden of narcissistic/borderline traits between them, I nodded right through this essay. My mother died a couple of years ago from dementia (which made her a nicer person - it can often reveal the shadow side of the personality, which was sweetness in my mother's case), and it's been a lot easier to love her since...
I'm not based in the US, but I still do my absolute best to avoid hearing/seeing anything LIVE with the Big Orange because of how much it jangles my traumatized nervous system. (I read the news instead.) And knowing from experience how such traits lead to kamikaze relational carnage (because shooting themselves in the foot is a regular occurrence if it serves the dramatic needs of the moment), it's truly terrifying to watch this behaviour on the world stage.
Sending you love, boundaries and a lot of sweet time in your garden. Nature saved me as a child (I spent a lot of time as high up in trees as I could!) and soothes me still. Hugs, Jody x
I remember thinking in 2016 that the country seemed to have married my ex-husband. There's little pleasure in knowing what's going to happen next. It's devastating to see it happen again.
I have been saying for 25 years now that NPD thrives on cognitive dissonance, just a fancier way to say normalization. I've lived with it and it is beyond hideous.
Yup, my father had undiagnosed NPD and all that magical thinking, and it killed him in the end because he was so trapped in his unreality bubble that he couldn’t accept he was drinking himself to death, and also couldn’t get sober because it would mean he was ordinary, and he could never be ordinary. I now surround myself with non narcissists as much as I can, but I still trip up. I am far too accommodating. Working on it!
I hope for you one day to have the strength to respond to your mother’s “you owe me” with a calm, solidly stated “No, I don’t, I paid long ago” then exit the room.
Thank you, so many people struggle to understand all of this if they don’t have first hand experience. Keep looking after you and those you live with (including Fergus). This was timely for me as I enter into another negotiation with service providers to have a guardian appointed for my narcissistic (now with dementia) father. It’s counter culture to not be the “good” daughter and to look after your self.
It is painful to hear, impossible to digest. Understanding the awfullness, how can one explain or remain silent or accept the enablers around him and in the halls of Congress? They are not stupid people, yet they choose not to act. And they, not he, are planting the seeds of our undoing, knowingly and without apology. Sometimes finding beauty can be an illusive thing.
I grew up with a narcissistic, alcoholic, philandering, handsome artist grandfather and an angry, vengeful narcissistic mother. I think the mistake is trying to make it right. The mistake is trying to make them happy and talk sense to them. The best thing that ever happened to me was when mine tried to cross a boundary and I realized that I would happily die on the hill to battle them back and I threw down the "this far, no further" sword. It has consequences. But we can't play their game and win.
What a gorgeous statement and you are living and loving it into being: "I will continue to look for beauty as an antidote to spiritual and physical destruction." Thank you!
Merci. at a loss to say more because what you have written touches such a deep place.
I've been working on my memoir about my narcissistic dad for some years now and noticed an unintentional theme of trees that presented itself throughout. I knew I'd always loved trees but never noticed what a saving grace they were for me all this time. I loved your message that we instinctually turn to beauty. It's just so true.
You can laugh or cry, that is the truth. I prefer to think the parents are an endless source of material. As we all are full of oddities and strange ways. I realize your mother has special demons that she has to handle and unfortunately pass on to you. Wear your shield of light and laughter to help get through all the absurdities and cruelty. We hear you.
This was so painful and beautiful to read. I know this world, one is forever imprinted and beauty is Hope.
As the unmothered daughter of an unmothered daughter, both of them with a florid garden of narcissistic/borderline traits between them, I nodded right through this essay. My mother died a couple of years ago from dementia (which made her a nicer person - it can often reveal the shadow side of the personality, which was sweetness in my mother's case), and it's been a lot easier to love her since...
I'm not based in the US, but I still do my absolute best to avoid hearing/seeing anything LIVE with the Big Orange because of how much it jangles my traumatized nervous system. (I read the news instead.) And knowing from experience how such traits lead to kamikaze relational carnage (because shooting themselves in the foot is a regular occurrence if it serves the dramatic needs of the moment), it's truly terrifying to watch this behaviour on the world stage.
Sending you love, boundaries and a lot of sweet time in your garden. Nature saved me as a child (I spent a lot of time as high up in trees as I could!) and soothes me still. Hugs, Jody x
Nope, no one more dangerous. No one. The CPTSD is real.
As usual, I am left breathless by your prose.
I remember thinking in 2016 that the country seemed to have married my ex-husband. There's little pleasure in knowing what's going to happen next. It's devastating to see it happen again.
oh that rose. And yes, we believe you!
I have been saying for 25 years now that NPD thrives on cognitive dissonance, just a fancier way to say normalization. I've lived with it and it is beyond hideous.
Yup, my father had undiagnosed NPD and all that magical thinking, and it killed him in the end because he was so trapped in his unreality bubble that he couldn’t accept he was drinking himself to death, and also couldn’t get sober because it would mean he was ordinary, and he could never be ordinary. I now surround myself with non narcissists as much as I can, but I still trip up. I am far too accommodating. Working on it!
I hope for you one day to have the strength to respond to your mother’s “you owe me” with a calm, solidly stated “No, I don’t, I paid long ago” then exit the room.
Thank you, so many people struggle to understand all of this if they don’t have first hand experience. Keep looking after you and those you live with (including Fergus). This was timely for me as I enter into another negotiation with service providers to have a guardian appointed for my narcissistic (now with dementia) father. It’s counter culture to not be the “good” daughter and to look after your self.
As you say, "What comes next . . ."
It is painful to hear, impossible to digest. Understanding the awfullness, how can one explain or remain silent or accept the enablers around him and in the halls of Congress? They are not stupid people, yet they choose not to act. And they, not he, are planting the seeds of our undoing, knowingly and without apology. Sometimes finding beauty can be an illusive thing.