I will never forget at least I hope I never forget the first Alanon meeting I attended. A talkative woman who could not speak. Could barely raise her hand to say I’m here. Right where I belong. Now 35 years later I can watch The Bear grateful that a show exists on American television which so accurately depicts the life of an adult child of an alcoholic. The need for approval the nonstop inner argument with the world the perverse people pleasing. A skin so porous I thought I was on fire. I love your writing. Your willingness to share your own family experience. It keeps me coming back.
This is so breathtakingly beautiful. I grew up amidst chaos as well, and this physically and emotionally CAN NOT stomach rage, anger, vitriol, meanness of any kind. I put down my sword and walk away to a peaceful place in nature where the breeze caresses my face saying “you are enough and this is good. I love you. You are safe.”
Oh, Elissa, I loved you when I saw you at Woodstock Book Fest and this seals the deal. I enjoy The Bear (my traumas lie elsewhere) but my chef son made it through exactly 1 1 /2 episodes before leaping from the sofa saying "I can't do this." I understood and felt bad for telling him he *should* watch it. For someone who's had a lifetime of trauma myself, I can't believe I was that insensitive.
"Put down the sword is a phrase that will stay with me," as you couldn't be more right--life is change. Change and uncertainty are the constants. Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is my new companion. Such wisdom. Thanks for the reminder this morning.
gosh sister. felt every thing. cannot watch that show either. and the onslaught, the inanity, the injustice, the search. your writing is an anchor, in case that hasn't been made clear to you, and i thank you for your candor and bravery. also your Buddhist book designer wife with the bugs, thank you for that mention too. i feel less alone :)
I see you. Thank you. I won't be watching that show after all. My gut instincts have been verified. So many hugs to you. I understand your pain with your father's death (for me it was my mother) and yes... how much more can one person take.
Thank you. I’m not a chef, but I cannot take the angry male voices in this show and could only watch three episodes. “I put down my sword “: I’m still working on that. Growing up in unpredictable circumstances can turn you into a Fixer. Peace and blessings to you.
OK, thank you for explaining to me why I CANNOT look away when watching the bear. Sometimes Carmy is me, dissociating and avoiding and perfecting my life; sometimes I’m Claire Bear providing love and safety; sometimes I’m peacekeeping fixing Sugar sometimes I’m even in the midst of it Ritchie … and then I have to call my kids or my cousin and decompress and let them know that -YES- we broke the chain and we will never ever ever have another Christmas or lunch or conversation like that - ever again. Peace ☮️ to you and to all of us.
Well said, so glad you made the choices you did. Side note, The bear is quite similar to another English series Boiling Point. For me more rounded story and characters, more diversity and more real. Warning it’s also not going to encourage anyone to join the industry.
I too grew up amidst chaos, anger, noise and migrated marriage/relationships that were all too familiar.🤦🏼♀️
Now, at 64, I’m seeking quiet, trying to hear with my ears, my heart, my soul the lessons on how to grieve my Dad who died a year ago. I was his caregiver.
Your story had me breathless and I’m sorry for all you endured.
You just put the cherry on top of the misshapen cake I was building. I have to mindlessly scroll whole watching The Bear. I need a crutch to get through those scenes where Richie and Carmy are screaming “fuck you” at each other and Oliver Platt is walking around telling every body every second guess he’s had about the whole operation. It’s terrifying, and taps into every squirming moment of my childhood and every imposter attack I’ve had since then.
I was holding my breath through your whole piece. Staggeringly beautiful and gut wrenching painful at the same time.
I will never forget at least I hope I never forget the first Alanon meeting I attended. A talkative woman who could not speak. Could barely raise her hand to say I’m here. Right where I belong. Now 35 years later I can watch The Bear grateful that a show exists on American television which so accurately depicts the life of an adult child of an alcoholic. The need for approval the nonstop inner argument with the world the perverse people pleasing. A skin so porous I thought I was on fire. I love your writing. Your willingness to share your own family experience. It keeps me coming back.
This is so breathtakingly beautiful. I grew up amidst chaos as well, and this physically and emotionally CAN NOT stomach rage, anger, vitriol, meanness of any kind. I put down my sword and walk away to a peaceful place in nature where the breeze caresses my face saying “you are enough and this is good. I love you. You are safe.”
❤️
Oh, Elissa, I loved you when I saw you at Woodstock Book Fest and this seals the deal. I enjoy The Bear (my traumas lie elsewhere) but my chef son made it through exactly 1 1 /2 episodes before leaping from the sofa saying "I can't do this." I understood and felt bad for telling him he *should* watch it. For someone who's had a lifetime of trauma myself, I can't believe I was that insensitive.
"Put down the sword is a phrase that will stay with me," as you couldn't be more right--life is change. Change and uncertainty are the constants. Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is my new companion. Such wisdom. Thanks for the reminder this morning.
gosh sister. felt every thing. cannot watch that show either. and the onslaught, the inanity, the injustice, the search. your writing is an anchor, in case that hasn't been made clear to you, and i thank you for your candor and bravery. also your Buddhist book designer wife with the bugs, thank you for that mention too. i feel less alone :)
Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I see you. Thank you. I won't be watching that show after all. My gut instincts have been verified. So many hugs to you. I understand your pain with your father's death (for me it was my mother) and yes... how much more can one person take.
Thank you. I’m not a chef, but I cannot take the angry male voices in this show and could only watch three episodes. “I put down my sword “: I’m still working on that. Growing up in unpredictable circumstances can turn you into a Fixer. Peace and blessings to you.
OK, thank you for explaining to me why I CANNOT look away when watching the bear. Sometimes Carmy is me, dissociating and avoiding and perfecting my life; sometimes I’m Claire Bear providing love and safety; sometimes I’m peacekeeping fixing Sugar sometimes I’m even in the midst of it Ritchie … and then I have to call my kids or my cousin and decompress and let them know that -YES- we broke the chain and we will never ever ever have another Christmas or lunch or conversation like that - ever again. Peace ☮️ to you and to all of us.
Well said, so glad you made the choices you did. Side note, The bear is quite similar to another English series Boiling Point. For me more rounded story and characters, more diversity and more real. Warning it’s also not going to encourage anyone to join the industry.
I too grew up amidst chaos, anger, noise and migrated marriage/relationships that were all too familiar.🤦🏼♀️
Now, at 64, I’m seeking quiet, trying to hear with my ears, my heart, my soul the lessons on how to grieve my Dad who died a year ago. I was his caregiver.
Your story had me breathless and I’m sorry for all you endured.
Thank you for sharing 🩷🩷🩷
You just put the cherry on top of the misshapen cake I was building. I have to mindlessly scroll whole watching The Bear. I need a crutch to get through those scenes where Richie and Carmy are screaming “fuck you” at each other and Oliver Platt is walking around telling every body every second guess he’s had about the whole operation. It’s terrifying, and taps into every squirming moment of my childhood and every imposter attack I’ve had since then.
Thank you Elissa, such wonderful writing, I feel moved to tears, I could not watch the Bear either.
I have just written "Put down your sword" in the front of my journal.
This is so moving and so skilfull. Thank you ! x
Thank you Wisdom Teacher 🙏
Such a powerful piece.
Thank you.
We just watched the first 3 episodes of Season 3 and the question is: why?
I'm putting down both my sword and remote control.
Thank.you for writing this, Elissa. I also put down the sword after too many years of fighting everything and everyone.