I also "attract chronic interrupters." It, and its ensuing issues, is one of the most difficult elements of almost every relationship in my life. I realized this about six years ago and began to try and make some shifts first with those closest to me. I said, "Hey, I recognize there is a pattern in our relationship where I mostly listen and you mostly talk, and then when and if you give me space to talk, I am interrupted by you, your phone, etc. before I can move through my complete thought. I recognize that both of us share some responsibility in this issue: I need to ask for what I need, and you need to consider whether that is something you can give in our relationship."
The conversations mostly went well, but the years that followed have been hard. Sometimes our friendship dwindled out because I tried to hold that boundary and they were unaccustomed to it and it felt strangely harsh coming from me. Sometimes our friendship actually grew deeper because they finally felt like they knew me (because they were finally listening to me!). And some friendships have sadly not changed at all. But I know deep within me that *I* have changed and that's been a really beautiful movement for me.
Also, just wanted to say, I like listening to your thoughts =)
Your response is amazing, brave, and I won’t forget it. It takes incredible strength and boundaries to do what you did, and I’m in awe. Of course the writer in me wants to understand: what compels people to do this in the first place?
I wonder if it's fear? It can feel vulnerable to listen to someone, to give them your whole attention, to listen without planning out the next thing you want to say. To listen is to relinquish control of where the conversation goes. I love those kinds of conversations but I can imagine they're really quite challenging for some people =)
Brilliant explanation of something i've never quite recognized about myself. I write in order to be listened to. Suddenly a flood of examples of being interrupted in mid-story and waiting, after the disruption had cleared, for the person I was with to say ... "you were saying ... " or "finish the story you were telling me ..." It may have happened occasionally but I don't remember it. Thanks for the insight.
Wonderfully said. As a chronic interrupter, I apologize. I try to show up in conversations and listen. It’s when I get excited (or drink too much) that I find myself interrupting. I catch myself and feel embarrassed. Always promising myself to slow down, listen more, talk less. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Elissa, I love this! I am a chronic notebook-keeper. Only during the pandemic did I start to reread them, during a dull lockdown day. I was stunned that they were readable at all amidst the teen angst I expressed. And you are so right - the empty page always listened. Since I turned 50, I realized that I have more things to say, and I have less time in which to say it. So - like you - I reach for another notebook!
As a (hopefully) reformed interrupter who still struggles to rein himself in at times, I recognise that there’s a performative element at work here. As someone who does a lot of interviews I have to constantly rein myself in and let the temporary high I might receive for a ‘clever remark’ go hang.
I feel this and thank you for sharing. I buy so many notebooks and some of them I fill. I’ve passed on my love of notebooks to my daughters, hoping that they will find some solace there too.
I so get this. I was raised by a mentally ill woman. Believing I didn’t matter to my mother when I arrived home I’d yell out “Hey, everybody! I’m home!” As if it were time to celebrate. Now I’m aware there’s no need to protect myself around the people in my life. No need to pull out the knives of sarcasm to stave off rejection.
Thank you for this thought provoking post . As someone who in my workplace or in a group situation struggled ( and often gave up) to having my voice heard . It always felt like an exercise in dominance .I too found some solace in writing . I try my best to hold close the friends who are good listeners and interested in the interchange of ideas ;the beautiful satisfying dance of conversation .
I'm so grateful for this writing and the ensuing comments. I have just realized recently that I am a chronic interrupter. I care deeply about those I interrupt and to come to terms with how much I must hurt them is hard. It's less about them and more about me. The anxious and insecure feeling that I don't know where this conversation is going so I have to make a comment or a joke. You have given me much to process and some amends to make. Thank you.
Were the other interruptors both women and men? My experience is that it is mostly men who interrupt or change the subject. Also, I have friends and family who are on the spectrum or anxious and they have trouble letting people finish their thoughts. So yes, it is not you, it is them!
Actually, the other interruptors were almost entirely/always women, although I certainly know your experience. I also have friends and family who are very much on the spectrum too, but it's always been my experience that they are overly-focused on conversation and on letting others speak. But in the case I'm writing about, neither party is on the spectrum.
This is so thought-provoking. One of the hardest things about being with friends when our kids were young was not being able to say a complete sentence EVER. What’s weird is, I find it to be the same still, when we’re in a group. This drove me nuts on a recent weekend away and I couldn’t put my finger on it until now.
Sad, but I think not that uncommon. Especially for those of a certain age who were taught NOT to interrupt, and/or that elders had more important things to say. I've experienced your status interruptus, but not because I stuttered. I always thought it was because I was small, not very loud, and prone to allow elders and their ilk interrupt or overtalk me. I was only a nurse, not a doctor or lawyer, or business executive. I couldn't possibly have anything au courant to say. It still happens!!!
I actually didn't say that I experienced it because I stuttered; I stuttered because I was constantly interrupted as a child. Also, I don't think it's common in a home environment where people of every age are respected. As for my former friends, they were not elders; they were contemporaries who preferred to dominate the conversation, whatever of it was left.
I also "attract chronic interrupters." It, and its ensuing issues, is one of the most difficult elements of almost every relationship in my life. I realized this about six years ago and began to try and make some shifts first with those closest to me. I said, "Hey, I recognize there is a pattern in our relationship where I mostly listen and you mostly talk, and then when and if you give me space to talk, I am interrupted by you, your phone, etc. before I can move through my complete thought. I recognize that both of us share some responsibility in this issue: I need to ask for what I need, and you need to consider whether that is something you can give in our relationship."
The conversations mostly went well, but the years that followed have been hard. Sometimes our friendship dwindled out because I tried to hold that boundary and they were unaccustomed to it and it felt strangely harsh coming from me. Sometimes our friendship actually grew deeper because they finally felt like they knew me (because they were finally listening to me!). And some friendships have sadly not changed at all. But I know deep within me that *I* have changed and that's been a really beautiful movement for me.
Also, just wanted to say, I like listening to your thoughts =)
Your response is amazing, brave, and I won’t forget it. It takes incredible strength and boundaries to do what you did, and I’m in awe. Of course the writer in me wants to understand: what compels people to do this in the first place?
I wonder if it's fear? It can feel vulnerable to listen to someone, to give them your whole attention, to listen without planning out the next thing you want to say. To listen is to relinquish control of where the conversation goes. I love those kinds of conversations but I can imagine they're really quite challenging for some people =)
Brilliant explanation of something i've never quite recognized about myself. I write in order to be listened to. Suddenly a flood of examples of being interrupted in mid-story and waiting, after the disruption had cleared, for the person I was with to say ... "you were saying ... " or "finish the story you were telling me ..." It may have happened occasionally but I don't remember it. Thanks for the insight.
It's so interesting, what we become used to --
Wonderfully said. As a chronic interrupter, I apologize. I try to show up in conversations and listen. It’s when I get excited (or drink too much) that I find myself interrupting. I catch myself and feel embarrassed. Always promising myself to slow down, listen more, talk less. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Elissa, I love this! I am a chronic notebook-keeper. Only during the pandemic did I start to reread them, during a dull lockdown day. I was stunned that they were readable at all amidst the teen angst I expressed. And you are so right - the empty page always listened. Since I turned 50, I realized that I have more things to say, and I have less time in which to say it. So - like you - I reach for another notebook!
As a (hopefully) reformed interrupter who still struggles to rein himself in at times, I recognise that there’s a performative element at work here. As someone who does a lot of interviews I have to constantly rein myself in and let the temporary high I might receive for a ‘clever remark’ go hang.
I feel this and thank you for sharing. I buy so many notebooks and some of them I fill. I’ve passed on my love of notebooks to my daughters, hoping that they will find some solace there too.
I so get this. I was raised by a mentally ill woman. Believing I didn’t matter to my mother when I arrived home I’d yell out “Hey, everybody! I’m home!” As if it were time to celebrate. Now I’m aware there’s no need to protect myself around the people in my life. No need to pull out the knives of sarcasm to stave off rejection.
Thank you for this thought provoking post . As someone who in my workplace or in a group situation struggled ( and often gave up) to having my voice heard . It always felt like an exercise in dominance .I too found some solace in writing . I try my best to hold close the friends who are good listeners and interested in the interchange of ideas ;the beautiful satisfying dance of conversation .
I'm so grateful for this writing and the ensuing comments. I have just realized recently that I am a chronic interrupter. I care deeply about those I interrupt and to come to terms with how much I must hurt them is hard. It's less about them and more about me. The anxious and insecure feeling that I don't know where this conversation is going so I have to make a comment or a joke. You have given me much to process and some amends to make. Thank you.
Loved this thoughtful essay. ♥️
Were the other interruptors both women and men? My experience is that it is mostly men who interrupt or change the subject. Also, I have friends and family who are on the spectrum or anxious and they have trouble letting people finish their thoughts. So yes, it is not you, it is them!
Actually, the other interruptors were almost entirely/always women, although I certainly know your experience. I also have friends and family who are very much on the spectrum too, but it's always been my experience that they are overly-focused on conversation and on letting others speak. But in the case I'm writing about, neither party is on the spectrum.
This is so thought-provoking. One of the hardest things about being with friends when our kids were young was not being able to say a complete sentence EVER. What’s weird is, I find it to be the same still, when we’re in a group. This drove me nuts on a recent weekend away and I couldn’t put my finger on it until now.
Sad, but I think not that uncommon. Especially for those of a certain age who were taught NOT to interrupt, and/or that elders had more important things to say. I've experienced your status interruptus, but not because I stuttered. I always thought it was because I was small, not very loud, and prone to allow elders and their ilk interrupt or overtalk me. I was only a nurse, not a doctor or lawyer, or business executive. I couldn't possibly have anything au courant to say. It still happens!!!
I actually didn't say that I experienced it because I stuttered; I stuttered because I was constantly interrupted as a child. Also, I don't think it's common in a home environment where people of every age are respected. As for my former friends, they were not elders; they were contemporaries who preferred to dominate the conversation, whatever of it was left.