It is one thing to care for a parent who lovingly raised you as a child. It is another situation to spend years of your life caring for a parent who did not. Can we talk about the reason that the daughter is so often the one on whom this falls? Can we also talk about the resentment that is sometimes inevitable when you are caring for a parent for what feels like the last remaining good years of your own life? And the expectation from society that you will do so, without complaint— even in the face, sometimes, of abuse. How dare you be selfish! How dare you have needs! How dare you stand up for yourself! Your mother needs you! I did not talk to my mother for three months in her 93rd year, and she also died six months after that. It was right and needed at the time. Such a complicated scenario in so many ways. Sending you compassion, grace, understanding, and kindness. I see you.
Groundedness is also the only thing that works for me. I remember the shock and despair I felt when I realized Alzheimer's was taking the woman I'd known/loved/hated/admired/pitied all my life and replacing her with a meek childlike lump with five quips on repeat. When we found a retirement residence that did a decent of enough job of taking care of her, I was relieved. And then during covid while all the seniors were dying in those homes, I considered bringing her back home with me. And then I didn't. So, yes--I get it and I see you.
Thanks for sharing the horror and frustration of eldercare. My 85-year-old mom had a stroke two years ago. She is mobile (except for the fall last summer and broken ankle and recovery) but her language, memory, and executive functioning are shot. Alzheimers runs in her family and she seems to have dropped into it. I self care by swimming in the cold water of San Francisco bay. The shock of it gets me out of my head and back into my body and being immersed in nature, in the sea, cleanses me. Then it's back to it. I know the worst is yet to come, so I am using this phase to swim as much as I can.
I have no words. I am on the precipice of this space & it worries my naturally anxious mind.
On another note I work within the mental health & disability space & I can confirm the nonsense & red tape multi layered bureaucracy is ridiculous. I spend mind blowing hours of client budgets trying to get verified (on repeat ad nauseum) on their systems (yes folks it’s plural client management systems that do NOT talk to each other), follow up regards assessments & reports to be told they can’t be found & could I resend them, then they are found and I am told the reports & assessments need to be redone as they are out of date (having passed the 90 day window during the time that nobody could find the continuously resent documents), follow up with assessor’s and therapists asking them to redo their assessments & reports & then the client runs out of funding. I then spend large chunks of time updating clients that I am still waiting on news regards the queries & on it goes.
I am really struggling & feel this energetic minefield is so out of sync with my values & ethics.
Biggest of loves Elissa, you are truly a hero in my books.
What a familiar song you sing! I was in that sandwich for 16 years with both parents and exhausted. Self-care is the number one priority in order to survive this stress and your feeling grounded sounds like the best way you can cope with the storm you are caught in. You will feel as if you did all you could to make her last years feel secure and that is something that no one can tell you or give to you. I know and I have no regrets. My two children survived without me at their beck and call and learned a lot about intergenerational love , caring, kindness,and setting boundaries. Keep on hiking and seeking the quiet moments with your wife.
Wow… reminds me a bit of the journey with my mom and her care as she aged.
My mom was typically a very good patient, but I’ll tell you that I caught her a few times trying to put her medicines in the pocket of her dress and I was like “what are you doing?”
My mom actually moved overseas because she couldn’t afford to live in the states any longer. And on her measly $611 month Social Security check we were able to pay for two nurses to stay with my mom around the clock.
I don’t have children of my own, so I don’t even really know what’s gonna be in store for me and it’s scary out there overall and in general.
Regardless, I found that the time taken care of my mom was truly a blessing, and I wouldn’t change a moment of it. We really did bond in a much different way.
I knew this essay was coming (thanks to your IG post), and it proved to be as hard to read as I expected it to be. Wishing you all the moments you can accrue in your places of caim and with the people who love, support, and restore you. (And Fergus is a person; he just dresses differently.)
The gratitude I have for your caregiving matches the stress I felt while reading the post. It's an enormous responsibility, and usually thankless. I am grateful for the groundedness reminder.
Your mother is lucky to have you. The struggles with care mgt sounds extremely frustrating. Will it, could it ever improve? I am 48, thankfully daughter in college. Mostly supportive husband. My 80 yo father fell and went into assisted living. Thankfully, he is financially stable. My obstacle that shakes my nervous system to its core is elder abuse by a sibling and her son, They will drain every penny out of him possible. I have read more about it than I care to. And addressing it only heightens my worry. I really felt your sentiment for how time consuming it is. My father and I were not close previously so I am grateful for the forced unexpected time together. And I thank god everyday that he knows who I am. Good luck with everything and ty for sharing.
This hits the nail on the head. I have nothing to add yet so much to say about elder care in 2025. Looking forward to doing some self care walks with you in the near future. 😘
My heart ached reading this. Deja vu. I went through this with both parents the last 10 years of their life. They passed away at 92 and 94. My father was on no medication and my mother could put her knee high stockings on standing on one leg.They had no aches and pain. They certainly didn't pass those genes one to me, I have plenty wrong. I remember freaking out thinking that they would outlive me and that I would have saddled my husband and five year old son with their constant care. They went into various facilities the last five years of their life, which helped a lot but I visited them every day. I also got many calls at 2 am from the home to tell me one of my parents was on the way to the hospital for a high blood pressure reading. I asked myself...why was anyone taking blood pressure readings for folks at 2 am? Parents can become your children and seeing their demise is not easy. Still its what we do for the people who raised us and were good to us. "Old folks" are like all of us in that they have wants and needs. My father used to point out all the little things I needed too attend to around the house and yard. I had to tell him once that I had a job already. I worked at a preschool, was a mother, wife and daughter which had me very busy. I did have two siblings, neither one helped in any way, except for giving me unsolicited advice. No guarantees in life, we struggle through and make the best of things. My greatest strength came from laughter and love. Financially it was crazy expense but I was fortunate to have my parents house to sell. I could go on and on...but I won't. Lucky you!
Thank you for sharing your story… You are right. None of us are alone in this sandwich generation especially with elder care. Without burdening you with the details of my story, I will tell you I can relate to yours on many levels with caring for Mom and my recently deceased dad. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ❤️
It is one thing to care for a parent who lovingly raised you as a child. It is another situation to spend years of your life caring for a parent who did not. Can we talk about the reason that the daughter is so often the one on whom this falls? Can we also talk about the resentment that is sometimes inevitable when you are caring for a parent for what feels like the last remaining good years of your own life? And the expectation from society that you will do so, without complaint— even in the face, sometimes, of abuse. How dare you be selfish! How dare you have needs! How dare you stand up for yourself! Your mother needs you! I did not talk to my mother for three months in her 93rd year, and she also died six months after that. It was right and needed at the time. Such a complicated scenario in so many ways. Sending you compassion, grace, understanding, and kindness. I see you.
There is an old African saying:
You cannot walk where there is no ground.
Such a simple truth.
Love this!
Groundedness is also the only thing that works for me. I remember the shock and despair I felt when I realized Alzheimer's was taking the woman I'd known/loved/hated/admired/pitied all my life and replacing her with a meek childlike lump with five quips on repeat. When we found a retirement residence that did a decent of enough job of taking care of her, I was relieved. And then during covid while all the seniors were dying in those homes, I considered bringing her back home with me. And then I didn't. So, yes--I get it and I see you.
Reading this, I forgot to breathe. Sending you lots of love+good vibe. I'm also an only child so I feel all the pain/weight you have to bear alone.
Thanks for sharing the horror and frustration of eldercare. My 85-year-old mom had a stroke two years ago. She is mobile (except for the fall last summer and broken ankle and recovery) but her language, memory, and executive functioning are shot. Alzheimers runs in her family and she seems to have dropped into it. I self care by swimming in the cold water of San Francisco bay. The shock of it gets me out of my head and back into my body and being immersed in nature, in the sea, cleanses me. Then it's back to it. I know the worst is yet to come, so I am using this phase to swim as much as I can.
I have no words. I am on the precipice of this space & it worries my naturally anxious mind.
On another note I work within the mental health & disability space & I can confirm the nonsense & red tape multi layered bureaucracy is ridiculous. I spend mind blowing hours of client budgets trying to get verified (on repeat ad nauseum) on their systems (yes folks it’s plural client management systems that do NOT talk to each other), follow up regards assessments & reports to be told they can’t be found & could I resend them, then they are found and I am told the reports & assessments need to be redone as they are out of date (having passed the 90 day window during the time that nobody could find the continuously resent documents), follow up with assessor’s and therapists asking them to redo their assessments & reports & then the client runs out of funding. I then spend large chunks of time updating clients that I am still waiting on news regards the queries & on it goes.
I am really struggling & feel this energetic minefield is so out of sync with my values & ethics.
Biggest of loves Elissa, you are truly a hero in my books.
What a familiar song you sing! I was in that sandwich for 16 years with both parents and exhausted. Self-care is the number one priority in order to survive this stress and your feeling grounded sounds like the best way you can cope with the storm you are caught in. You will feel as if you did all you could to make her last years feel secure and that is something that no one can tell you or give to you. I know and I have no regrets. My two children survived without me at their beck and call and learned a lot about intergenerational love , caring, kindness,and setting boundaries. Keep on hiking and seeking the quiet moments with your wife.
Wow… reminds me a bit of the journey with my mom and her care as she aged.
My mom was typically a very good patient, but I’ll tell you that I caught her a few times trying to put her medicines in the pocket of her dress and I was like “what are you doing?”
My mom actually moved overseas because she couldn’t afford to live in the states any longer. And on her measly $611 month Social Security check we were able to pay for two nurses to stay with my mom around the clock.
I don’t have children of my own, so I don’t even really know what’s gonna be in store for me and it’s scary out there overall and in general.
Regardless, I found that the time taken care of my mom was truly a blessing, and I wouldn’t change a moment of it. We really did bond in a much different way.
Peace to you 🥰
I knew this essay was coming (thanks to your IG post), and it proved to be as hard to read as I expected it to be. Wishing you all the moments you can accrue in your places of caim and with the people who love, support, and restore you. (And Fergus is a person; he just dresses differently.)
Thank you. And yes, Fergus is totally a person. No one has informed him otherwise. (And we’re massively in love with him.)
The gratitude I have for your caregiving matches the stress I felt while reading the post. It's an enormous responsibility, and usually thankless. I am grateful for the groundedness reminder.
Your mother is lucky to have you. The struggles with care mgt sounds extremely frustrating. Will it, could it ever improve? I am 48, thankfully daughter in college. Mostly supportive husband. My 80 yo father fell and went into assisted living. Thankfully, he is financially stable. My obstacle that shakes my nervous system to its core is elder abuse by a sibling and her son, They will drain every penny out of him possible. I have read more about it than I care to. And addressing it only heightens my worry. I really felt your sentiment for how time consuming it is. My father and I were not close previously so I am grateful for the forced unexpected time together. And I thank god everyday that he knows who I am. Good luck with everything and ty for sharing.
This hits the nail on the head. I have nothing to add yet so much to say about elder care in 2025. Looking forward to doing some self care walks with you in the near future. 😘
My heart ached reading this. Deja vu. I went through this with both parents the last 10 years of their life. They passed away at 92 and 94. My father was on no medication and my mother could put her knee high stockings on standing on one leg.They had no aches and pain. They certainly didn't pass those genes one to me, I have plenty wrong. I remember freaking out thinking that they would outlive me and that I would have saddled my husband and five year old son with their constant care. They went into various facilities the last five years of their life, which helped a lot but I visited them every day. I also got many calls at 2 am from the home to tell me one of my parents was on the way to the hospital for a high blood pressure reading. I asked myself...why was anyone taking blood pressure readings for folks at 2 am? Parents can become your children and seeing their demise is not easy. Still its what we do for the people who raised us and were good to us. "Old folks" are like all of us in that they have wants and needs. My father used to point out all the little things I needed too attend to around the house and yard. I had to tell him once that I had a job already. I worked at a preschool, was a mother, wife and daughter which had me very busy. I did have two siblings, neither one helped in any way, except for giving me unsolicited advice. No guarantees in life, we struggle through and make the best of things. My greatest strength came from laughter and love. Financially it was crazy expense but I was fortunate to have my parents house to sell. I could go on and on...but I won't. Lucky you!
All the best to you!
Thank you for sharing your story… You are right. None of us are alone in this sandwich generation especially with elder care. Without burdening you with the details of my story, I will tell you I can relate to yours on many levels with caring for Mom and my recently deceased dad. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ❤️
Such a resonant post. My parents are both gone now but I did loads of care for them, and I’m so grateful for that. Thank you for this 🙏🏼
My heart goes out to you. 💖